When I wasn’t watching and observing everything so I could make sure that I wasn’t going to get caught slipping or falling into a trap, I was getting lectured about how I better not let my dad find out that I’m messing with…. Black men, he used to vividly describe what he was going to do to my boyfriends I brought home that weren’t white, well he already killed my liking for white dudes and anything that he told me that I better not let him catch me doing, I did it anyway and he didn’t react the way he described to me he was going to, so I started testing out all of his threats, and I quickly started realizing that he was full of poop and then I started rebelling against him for anything and everything, if he said that the grass was green, that day I saw purple grass just to be difficult and I have to be honest with myself I endured great pleasure and amusement for being difficult, rebellious, and all in all just straight up challenging my dad on everything and anything. I loved it when he was mad at me because he was less likely to bother me if he was mad at me for anything. I’ve always had a thrill of challenging or testing others, I like a good challenge. I don’t know what is wrong with me, because I enjoy making others mad , it amuses me that I don’t have to barely do anything but still manage to get people angry at me for literally nothing, and that’s when I play with the salt in the cut, and pretend I have amnesia and can’t even think of anything that might have happened to make them angry at me. It’s something that I really need to work on to improve myself because I’m too good at mind games, but I had to learn how to play so that I could be able to get better at dodging and shaking my way around the abuse and the more I avoided it the better I got at the games. I had to learn and utilize the adaptations that I picked up on for my own survival skills, but what I was surviving from is done and over with now, and I’m not constantly trying to survive anymore so it’s okay to stop utilizing the skills I had to learn to survive and start utilizing the skills I have to learn how to live outside of survival mode and actually learn how to enjoy life without wanting to and looking for a way to escape from my reality of life.